Tag Archives: happiness

Another day……another emotion

Hello all,  I am back again

And yes it is the continuation of my story through grief. For me, I feel I need to write this stuff down, it helps me and hopefully it will help someone else, but if it only helps me then that is fine.

I have had a weird emotion yesterday, and it comes after the epiphany of earlier in the week of the (3 year or 8 month grief) blog

Got upset yesterday, not really sure how it started. I got up and did the washing and had breakfast etc, went and hung the washing on line and was just pondering what to do and then I thought, actually I can do whatever I want.

I don’t have someone to look after anymore. (This is going to sound weird and probably rotten) but it is all part of me being honest.

For many years, and especially the last five years or so, I have pretty much stopped my life to care and look after someone who…for want of a better description..was clinically depressed and now I don’t.

I loved my husband so much, he was my best friend , but especially when he was feeling really poorly he would say that I would be better off without him, that I could get on with my life. I was so caught up in the life of looking after him that this was never an option, I could never imagine my life without him.

With hindsight, looking back I can see how much over the last few years how much of him I lost to depression, it was literally eating away at the man I loved.  However when you are in that moment you don’t really see it, or want to acknowledge it, you just want to do everything in your power to save them.

Today though, I felt a relief that I no longer had to do this and I felt awful, like I didn’t care. I know I did but I realised that although he was the one who suffered with the depression, it is only now I am starting to realise that his depression was affecting me.

I also lived in a bubble, and in this bubble, I managed a job, and to care and look after someone, who sometimes didn’t want it and also a child who was becoming a teenager and all the problems that entails. I didn’t exist, I just went from day to day doing whatever they need to get through the day. This was not me!!!

I can know do what I want, when I want, I have a life.

Now then, I have my counsellor sat in my ear, telling me that I should not justify or feel guilty for anything I say or do…….but I know what I have written might sound awful, but nobody actually lived with this but me, so really nobody has the right to say anything or judge me.

The weird emotion that I have this morning was……..” I am glad it is over”

I think looking back I don’t know how I did it, day in and day out. I suppose it was love!!! 

That is what you do for love, I don’t know how long I could have carried on for, probably for ever.

It is only now that I think…..how the hell did I do it for so long without caving in and believe me there were times when I could have smashed something or even said I can’t cope. I never did, he needed me and I was there…..always

However hard it was and however different it is now (being able to do whatever, whenever) I miss the hand holding, the hugs, the giggles and the closeness.

Is it wrong that I now feel free…….my counsellor, daughter and friends would probably say….no it’s not wrong 

So then, another day and another emotion on this roller coaster ride we call grief. 

And since writing this, yet another shitty day has happened, just want a magic wand to get through this. Not gonna happen unfortunately, so there will still be tears and upset and anger, etc

Feeling useless and unable to do anything or help anyone and soooo tired.

Grief is tiring, no one tells you that. It’s friggin exhausting and I don’t think everyone understands that. They see the face, the mask that you wear to get through each day. People say be honest about how you are feeling, but sometimes all you will end up saying is, no feeling crap and how repetitive is that gonna be. It is easier to say…yep doing ok

I always remember that when we asked each other if we were okay(texts between us) 

There were different okays

There was ok (generally meant bit off, not quite right and feeling bit low)

Or there was OK (meant feeling good)

I think I should carry cards that say ok or OK

Even when I say ok it will sometimes mean ok and sometimes OK

So off we go to continue this journey and we shall see what crap hits the fan next, deep down I shall conquer this because he would want me to.

Big squish hugs and kisses to all. 

Be kind to each other, live every day

Is it 3yr grief or 8mth grief

Well hello again

It’s me,  feeling a little better since my last blog. Feeling slightly more together.

We have had a lovely holiday, which was quite difficult being abroad, but we conquered it and all in all it was good. A mid week melt down but these things happen especially when hormones come into play. (Hormones can really screw up your emotions) just when you think I can handle this……bang…..hormones and oh look quivering blubbing wreck!!!!

Some days I feel really good and quite positive and my friends say how well we are doing and the I think ooh, ok we are good

This came up again today with my counsellor, I had a tough session today, mainly because I could not get my words in any sort of order to actually say what I wanted to say.

Then wham, I had a sort of epiphany. Big word…I know

 Although it is very nearly 8 months since my husband past away, I sometime feel like it is longer than that and this was very hard to explain, but then I realised that what I am actually suffering is what I now describe as two phase grief.

I perhaps need to explain this a bit better, as many of you are aware from reading my ramblings before, is that my late husband suffered from anxiety and depression and did for many many years. However 8 months ago he lost his battle. (Or as we look at it. He finally took control of his life and no longer was ruled by the black dog).

However, nearly three years ago, he did attempt to take back control of his life and failed. I realised today that actually in some aspect I have been grieving for the last three years.

So I am actually having two phases of grief, there is the grief of losing him three years ago and then the grief of actually losing him 8 months ago.

So as some days are harder, they obviously belong to the 8 month grief phase and then the days when I am in more control and more settled and feel more ready to move on I am at the 3 year grief phase.  However saying that, on the days when I feel at the 3 year grief phase, there is a sudden realisation of……no stop its only 8 months.

This is very difficult to explain to anybody who is not me, who has not been there.  I think that is probably why people see me as coping well.

 HAPPINESS IS NOT A DESTINATION, IT IS A WAY OF LIFE

I just have to keep going and slowly moving forward, (occasionally back a few) but generally forward and enjoy life. I know I will get there and the road will be long and probably bumpy but it will be there.

As well as that, still trying to be honest about myself. People that truly know me, know that I don’t have a problem being honest and quite blunt. This however is a very different scenario. I have to start and be honest about myself and my god that is hard to do. For many years I have controlled my honesty, aware that if I was truly honest about some things it would have not helped with his depression and would have made his anxiety worse. So therefore I kept a lid on it. All of a sudden the lid is off and I am struggling to be truly honest about my feelings and how things affect me.  I know people can’t help me if I am not honest with them, but for me it is like if I am honest then I feel vulnerable……and that is not me. I have never allowed myself to be vulnerable because I have always had to be the strong one to hold it all together.

 So you might ask ? Where do we go from here…..

Well one day at a time and ….yep that’s it

Big hugs to you all and thank you  xx

 

Who am I

Who am I

This week has suddenly become very hard, my emotions are right at the surface most of the time and have to say I am really tired.

This is my second week on phased return to work and it was right that I went back to work, to regain a sense of normality. I have suddenly realised what is normal !!!

For the past 3 months I have been trying to organise my life since losing my husband to depression, and I don’t know whether it is because I have returned to work, but all of a sudden I have thought……WHO AM I !!!

I have always been the wife and mother (which is right) because that is what I wanted to be, but for the last 14 years I have also been a career for someone who suffered depression.  As the anxiety and depression got worse, the caring got harder and the last few years I now realise, where did I go!

Don’t get me wrong, I loved him so much, he was my best friend also. I would do it all again at the drop of a hat because that is what you do for someone who was effectively my right arm.

My husband always used to say to me, you need help, who is there to support you and I remember saying ‘just knowing you are here is all I need’. I’ve decided that it’s time for me to find me and I know that it’s not going to be an easy road.

When you have put all your energy into caring for someone you love, it’s not until that person is gone you realise.

My daughter and I have a strong relationship and we will always look out for each other, but knowing that she is getting some help  with her emotions and feelings has eased the pressure on me. As a mother I naturally worry about my daughter, but knowing that she has support has made me relax.

This, I think is why my emotions have suddenly changed. I think it is partly returning to work and partly daughter getting help that has made me suddenly realise that ‘where and who am I’.

Throughout our life together,  we have never lived in each other’s pockets, we always had our individual passions and hobbies. This made us a stronger couple together.

I finally made the decision to call the helpline through work, and although I couldn’t speak for tears it was a huge relief to just talk.

I now will have some counselling sessions and the helpline will always be there if needed.  This was a huge thing for me to do, but I am glad I did it.

I know my husband and daughter are proud of me for doing it. Now is the time to go and find myself again.

I shall always have great memories and I know that we did everything we could for him.

I am in here somewhere and I will be back, I couldn’t do anymore for him, but I can start to do more for me now.

 

 

Enjoy Life

 

Enjoy life, seems an easy statement doesn’t it…. 

Well it’s not always by any means.

This week has made me realise that we all should enjoy life because we never know what is round the corner.

 I have someone who suffers with depression and although we are getting the help needed it can be hard and we are slowly learning to do things as and when he feels well enough and we do ok but it is hard because some days it is not possible.

I have a very dear friend, who although I don’t see very often, I am always in contact with. This lady is mad as a box of frogs with a sense of humour to match, she has a hectic life. However, a while ago she was diagnosed with a chronic form of blood cancer called MDP.  Now from a person looking from the outside I can see the change, deep down she is still the funny mad woman we all love, but now she struggles with everything she does, she still wishes to have the energy she has always had and wants to do all she used to but can’t.  As a friend I can see how she struggles and would love to help but can’t.

As with any debilitating illness like depression or chronic illness like MDP, trying to cope with everyday things are hard.

My friend has really struggled this week and all I want to do is offer a hug or try and help but can’t.

However whilist at work on Friday, I bumped into a couple who we are friends with but with everything else going on have not been able to keep in contact with, and I was so shocked to find out that our friends wife had had a stroke and was now wheelchair bound and a shadow of her former bubbly self. Her husband never changes, still the man we always knew.  This really upset me and after the week I had gone through, I really felt lost as to what to say or do.

This made me think!!

We are all so busy with our work lives they we forget to enjoy the little things and they are the times of peace and quiet when we can do things we enjoy and get pleasure from.

If we suffer from any illness, whether debilitating or worse a chronic illness or if there is a terminal illness, we should go out when we can manage an do the things that WE want to do, daft or otherwise.  We all have a right to enjoy life whatever it throws at us.

I am not telling people what to do, but life throws curve balls, I’ve had plenty myself and we have had to change what we do. We have to make the most of what we are given even when we feel like we have been given a whole load of shit.

It’s very hard when you have been the type of person to do lots and always busy to suddenly have to slow down and develop a new pace, but we have to do it (probably with a lot of why me?) 

So please let’s all try and enjoy life as it is very precious

God bless and take care xx