Well, not done this in a while
I have to say had a really rough day today, I think everything is going so well and then it is like something knocks me back down again.
I rang my counsellor and as usual she got me in, because she is used to me ringing in desperate need. Even when I got there, I still could not stop crying, it has been like this all day.
So then what is going on, well not really sure, lots of mixed emotions.
It is like when I start and feel good, I then have doubts and guilt and I cant see through the fog.
I am starting to find new friends that are out of the whole married friends circle, friends that I have found, but my problem is I can’t seem to cope with people being nice to me, I have always been the carer, the one to worry and cope with eveything, so to have people ask me how I am and to worry about me is a new thing. I know this probably sounds very weird but when you have been in the cocoon I have been in, its hard to let other people to worry about me. I always turn the conversation to them and how they are feeling, because that is what I am like and have been for a long time.
Aswell as everthing else, I have started to feel anger, and that is very upsetting for me, but I have been told that this is part of the grieving process. I am unsure of what I am angry about, it is not that I am angry at Ade, but what really pisses me off is the way that, what he was suffering from, affected my life so much. I did not suffer from it but actaully I feel that it has made life hell. I was so busy trying to cope with someone, who at some points, never actaully wanted to be here that I totally lost myself, in fact I didn’t exist not really. Ade used to always tell me to go and forge my own life, but what he didn’t understand was I was afraid to go out and leave him with my daughter, not becasue of any danger but because she was a teenager, stroppy and irritable and he was also like a stroppy teen, and they would constantly butt heads. I would be the constant peacemaker, the calming influence to Rose, allowing her to express herself as she was growing up, but also the mediator between an hormaonal teen and someone who wanted everything perfect and organised. This was never going to happen.
All this was going on and I was expected to cope with all this and still go to work and maintain a perfect neat, tidy and organised house. Answer me a question….how the fuck was I supposed to do this. I was not a friggin miracle worker !!
So after thinking about this, I came up with yet another anaolgy ( i like analogies).
I believe I was a caterpillar, going along my daily tasks, struggling by slowly,and then I curled up and felt like I went to sleep for a long time (chrysalis)
As time goes on, I begin to feel like a butterfly slowly emerging. I feel like one of my wings is flapping in the breeze but as my body starts to emerge, something is holding me back, and I dont know what it is.
I am a butterfly, seemingly ready to fly, but cant, it will come with time but I feel like I have been tied down for so long that, flying away is hard.
I also was talking to a great friend today, who I have not seen for a while, I explained that after being pinned down for so long, I need to find me, discover the real me that has been missing for so long, and then I can think forward. I need to be me before anything else of anyone esle enters. However she told me that when I truly find myself, do not loose it for anyone.
This is a lot for me to take in and deal with, but I will find my wings and I will learn to fly solo and enjoy all that it entails.
Until that time, I shall still have days that i shall write off, but I am hoping that writing it downwill help me to move forward and let people care about me and I will accept it.
So onwards and upwards and one day I shall find my wings and truly fly..